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Not Impressed
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Okay... Switching things up just a bit here. Time for a rant. HaHa! My close friends will say, "What ELSE is new?" But the rest of you don't care anyway, and I gotta be me. What else can I be-- but-- what-- I-- ammmmmmmmm?!!
Onward. The topic? STAR TREK, from JJ Abrams, and Paramount Pictures.
Wow.
After all my bitching and pontificating about this new Star Trek, I finally caught it on DVD. Almost speechless, but not quite.
Yes, I'm very late to the party, which is an unfortunate recurrence these days, with the demands of my job, my laziness, and the rapid disappearance of films from theaters in this modern, sell-it-quick-on-home-video market. So, I kept silent, seemingly vanishing from online even as I observed all the raves and applause. The excited reaction prepared me for an onslaught of "In your FACE, naysayer!" remarks. I was seriously ready to eat crow, and tell everybody how wrong I was. Gladly. Long Live Star Trek. And now, just now, I finally screened the Abrams film on BluRay, with an open mind, eager to be delighted.
Joke's on me for wasting my money. I was right after all, at least about THIS effort. What a steaming pile of dog dung this movie is. I mean, BAD. Star Trek: Where No Lens Flare Has Gone Before. This dreck is so chock-full of logic lapses, A.D.D. pacing, jittery camera moves, styoopid gags, lousy acting, dopey dialogue, clichéd plot, poorly crafted characters and villains that I had to stop play halfway through it. I opted to finish it this evening for the sake of my completist tendencies, and for a more comprehensive critique.
This new, literally big-headed Kirk is a cartoonish, hot-tempered kid that would NEVER be put in command of a starship! Yeah, Shatner chewed scenery. But he managed to remain interesting. Chris Pine is not half as charismatic. Nope. And this Spock AIN'T Spock. Quinto can't touch the original Nimoy performance. Those definitive Vulcan boots are way too big for anyone to fill, and the only actors who came close were Mark Lenard, and Kirstie Alley (honorable mention to Suzie Plakson, but her "Selar" didn't have enough screen time for proper judgement). Yeah, New Spock lets a mouthy cadet bully him into an emotional display ON THE BLOODY BRIDGE in the middle of a crisis, and then he simply surrenders command!! WHAT??? Prior to this, he maroons Quirk on a dangerous ice-planet (a la Captain Jack Sparrow!), where he should have been killed, and where the future Spock is conveniently on hand with a torch. So, it was impossible to simply lock Quirk in the brig, or under restraint in Sickbay??? Come ON! No, this new-fangled Vulcan brat has to unemotionally jettison a young cadet on a hostile world. Good thing they established his fiery temper early in this-- film.
Anywayyy... Uhura has the hots for this wannabe Vulcan (out of NOwhere!), and people obtain their ranks and ship postings with the ease of adding or deleting "friends" on facebook! Okay, YOU'RE the new Chief of Medicine. Get to work. Hey, that guy you sneaked onboard with is handy with tech stuff. HE'S our new Chief Engineer. Sweet! And the punk who just picked a fight on the Apple Store Bridge? YOU'RE the de facto Captain. Orders, sir? Let's just have the black actor who loves to dress up as a woman promote you officially later. And how about that 17 year-old boy genius, Chekov? Brilliant. WESLEY CRUSHER AIN'T GOT NUTHIN'-- ON HIM!!!
The Eric Bana Romulan villain? Oh, he's pissed off because Spock failed to save his wife and world, and now he wants revenge. How original. Khan much? Thanks for the drama. Ooh! Isn't this guy scary since he wears tattoos on his face? Yeah, Darth Maul already did it better, and HE was weak.
I could go on. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll try to give it one more viewing, and I might hate it less. Stranger things have happened. Ask that balloon boy in Colorado. Ask the folks who believe in Sarah Palin for president.
Others will condemn my review based on my devotion to the original series. Fact is, the comparisons are inevitable. Blame Paramount. But the Abrams flick does invite such criticism with all the pat references to its predescessor. I do concede that the new Scotty, Uhura, and Chekov are fun to watch at times. She's hot, and they're amusing. NObody else is. NO one. Even Nimoy clearly is ready never to be seen in front of the camera again. He was atrocious. Painful to watch.
However, I DO admit I am wrong that Star Trek cannot live on with a new cast, just not this one, in my opinion. It's all a matter of a well-written script at the start, and THIS story was drab, and dumb, and predictable.
Beam me the hell outta here.
Cue the dopey, swish-pan closing credits.
JKM out.
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I mean Uhura and Spock. Was there EVER any interest between them expressed in the Original Series.
Just because she's the main woman and Spock is supposed to be emotionless but isn't (although, this is stupid...the Vulcans were never as racist as in the court) doesn't mean that suddenly they are meant to be.
And Spock's reaction to Amanda's death is so unreal. I mean, would his control break down that much rthat quickly, when it took Kirk AGES to get under his skin even when Spock was affected by the spores that made him emotional.
Why make a film that contrasts so much, and have the only explantion is a 'red matter' (why have we never heard of this before, if it is such an amzing weapon)explosion sent them through to this reality, randomly destroyed Kirk's dad's ship, and suddenly recognised the Enterprise (After the change to the timeline, Nero was making a big chance the Spock WAS there) and stopped himself form firing.
Wasn't it lucky that Nero fired ALL his weapons at the little ship, so nothing more could go (Nero is NOT stupid, he is very cunning, would he be clouded by rage into stupidity? No) and hit it.
but I liketed dat $h!t.
I seent dat $h!t 3 times in the theatre...
I liketed dat $h!t.
It got$ my moneie$...
cause I liketed dat $h!t!!!
NAKKAH!!! NNNNAKKAH!!!
That said...
I understand your reasoning for not liking the film....A well put journal as usual my good man.
Good day sir.
He say if JJ did everything Nimoy & Shatner did, you guys would be crying that they just copied Rod-n-Berry.
I'd rather they have done something as boldly innovative as possible, fulfilling new promise, NOT copying the Shatner/Nimoy Trek. But not only did they fail in this, they didn't even bother with solid narrative structure, sensible plot, and decent character development.
You like it because you don't care as much, 'bolt.
My favorite Spock scene was where he was facing down the Vulcan Elders when he refused a Vulcan Science Academy position. They were logically told to, "Get Bent"
The villian? Sorry, a tatooed Romulan with a quick scripted backstory didn't cut it.
Uhura and Spock playing tongue tag? Yes, I know it's a reboot, I get it, but try and keep it SOMEwhat close to canon, howabout it Paramount!?
I felt the movie was all shine and no substance. It felt like popping a Twinkie in your mouth when you're hungry. Sure you won't be hungry for a couple of hours but you don't exactly remember that epicurean delight as something you want every day. Or maybe you do... maybe you're one of those people who loved G.I. Joe and the Transformers and X-3? If you are, I really would like to know how you sustained your brain injury.
The handful of things that did make me smile as a ST fan could be counted on one hand while the barrel-ful of stupid that made me cranky are numerous. So I'm ending my comment by saying that I don't give two whits about a sequel to this one. I can easily wait for Netflix and not give any of my money directly to the tripe that will follow.